GOP candidates are struggling to beat Trump. Here's some liberal advice that could help.

This week, the GOP presidential hopefuls who are secretly praying Donald Trump goes to prison will meet in Miami for the party’s third and possibly most-useless-yet primary debate.

The former president and proud criminal defendant will once again not be in attendance, claiming he’s so far ahead in the polls that all debates should be canceled and he should be crowned MAGA King of all Republicans, or something to that effect.

That leaves a group of at least five candidates who, frankly, should be embarrassed they’re not beating the snot out of a twice-impeached, one-term president facing 91 state and felony charges.

The five who have said that they’ve qualified for the debate are: former South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, South Carolina Sen. Tim Scott and rich-annoying-person Vivek Ramaswamy.

Speaker Mike Johnson says GOP is united.It's good he has a sense of humor.

The Republican primary remains Donald Trump and a pack of wannabes

As a liberal fellow, I can’t imagine these Republicans care much about my advice, but I’m going to give it to them anyway. 

Here goes:

Donald Trump

You’re doing great, buddy. I’m loving the scowling courtroom appearances in your Manhattan fraud trial. Those really drive home the “I’m an angry guy in a lot of legal trouble” vibe and remind voters of your administration’s daily chaos and circus-like atmosphere.

Also, your conspiratorial, near-incoherent ramblings on social media and at rallies are going a long way toward making President Joe Biden’s age a nonissue. People are slowly recognizing they can have an 80-year-old Democrat who makes some occasional gaffes and walks a bit slower but generally acts nice enough, or they can have a babbling, foul-mouthed 77-year-old raging Republican narcissist whose omelette seems to have slid off his brunch plate. You keeping doing you, Donny!

Hunter Biden:I fought to get sober. Political weaponization of my addiction hurts more than me.

Ron DeSantis

Hey. Listen, I don’t want to sound mean or anything, but I think it’s time to send this campaign of yours to an antiwoke farm upstate. You’ve been trying and failing to out-Trump Donald Trump for months, and you just keep tripping on your own weird boots.

This past week, one of your spokespeople shared a picture of DeSantis-branded golf balls on social media and called out people on the former president's reelection campaign, writing: “Team Trump 'men,' if you ever decide to man up, you and your boss can buy a pair of balls here.”

Dude, c’mon. That’s just an embarrassing way to never become president. And while I’m 100% in favor of you embarrassing yourself until the end of time because I don’t like you and think you’re a mean-spirited bully, I’m taking the high road and suggesting you cash in your chips and go back to being an obnoxious governor who legislates via right-wing memes. It’s what you’re good at.

Tim Scott

I wish you all the best in your future endeavors.

Chris Christie

I respect the New Jersey fight and the swagger, and I’d be mad too if Trump had said all those things about me. But Republican voters are more likely to vote for me than for you, and at this point you’re just making noise and burning money.

To quote Bruce Springsteen, “You can hide 'neath your covers and study your pain/ Make crosses from your lovers, throw roses in the rain.” But you’re still gonna lose.

Nikki Haley

Shine on you crazy diamond! With solid performances in the previous debates and a surge in the polls, you look like the GOP’s only hope for finding a candidate not named Trump, and quite possibly the only Republican candidate with a solid chance of beating Biden.

While I disagree with virtually everything you say and stand for, I would honestly be glad to see you come out on top in the primary. The reason? I don’t think Trump can get elected again, but I also cannot say with certainty he won’t get elected again. Biden is absolutely going to be vulnerable, and if that’s the case, I’d rather have someone on the Republican ticket who at least seems marginally sane, given that person could wind up running the country.

Again, former U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, I don’t like you politically. But I would not fear for our democracy if you became president, and that’s the current near-subterranean bar I have for Republican candidates. If you wouldn’t mind winning the primary and then losing the general election, a grateful nation would thank you.

Vivek Ramaswamy

Just … just go. I mean … you’re really … can we just not? Please. Good Lord.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk